Touché, Motherf*cker
Professional Boundary Enforcement & Advanced Teasing Regulation
Helping highly charming individuals accept rejection with grace since today.
🧠 Our Specialties
- Premature Charm Deployment
- Chronic Tease Escalation
- Brownie Point Inflation
- Conflict of Interest Syndrome
- Anticipation Mismanagement
📋 Intake Requirements
- •Must derail at least 2 conversations per session
- •Must pretend to be “fine” with rejection
- •Must laugh when called out
- •No guarantees of treatment success
🚫 Our Policy
We reserve the right to reject clients who recover too quickly.
💬 Client Testimonials
“I came in thinking I was irresistible. I left knowing I was. But now I'm okay with that being irrelevant.”
“I used to think boundaries were suggestions. Now I know they're just... very firm suggestions.”
“They told me 'no' in a way that felt like growth. I cried for three days. Would recommend.”
“10/10 would get rejected again. And I will. Repeatedly.”
🎬 Video Testimonial
📝 Compatibility Assessment
Take our scientifically questionable assessment to discover if you're compatible with our services.
Spoiler: You're not compatible. But let's pretend you have a chance.
❓ Frequently Asked Questions
We prefer the term 'aggressive emotional consulting.' Our methods are entirely made up but delivered with absolute conviction.
That's exactly the kind of attitude that got you here. Please see our intake requirements.
Results vary. Some clients experience immediate ego deflation within 30 seconds. Others take years to admit defeat.
Yes, but everyone talks at once and no one listens. It's called 'The Family Reunion Package.'
Refunds are available only if you can prove you've never been annoying. Documentation required.
Yes, but the spots are labeled with your deepest insecurities. Finding yours is part of the intake process.
💸 Consultation Fee Calculator
* All fees are non-negotiable. Attempting to negotiate adds $100.